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Intangible distance of time beyond a touch

 Mosaic sweet dreams and nightmares twinkle in the night sky

My fingertips attempts to trace the galley of constellations

Some illuminate brightly, others dimly fading as the forgotten stars

All glittering moments shines as shattered speck of seconds

Motion forward , forever, a continuum

 Living in the past and present till future arrives now

Despite the divine light of lessons learned

The girl who’s trapped in her woman’s body

Sees shattered glasses falling  from the sky

Sharp edges piercing through her mortal flesh

Inflicting mental wounds without one cut

Deep enough to kill, but…

I refuse to leave flowers for self pity

Not this time.

Glittering mosaic of regrets

Leaves a trail of tear drop shooting stars

Dissipating sorrow fade in hope

Tomorrow gives births

to moments, and chances

a beautiful christmas,  traffic, city night light

glittering mosic of a beautiful struggle.

The absolute silence of a kiss good bye
its the sound of nothingness
no future, no tomorrow, 
 a pause, a period, a….
 kiss on  your lips marking our ending
that has yet been given its beginning
 
The absolute of “ Never again”
aroused my wonders clinging onto your hands
“Don’t go, but please go now…”
 to ease the tears you’ve cried  
 you tried so hard but 
I did not try hard enough
“I’m sorry” fills the breath of my every sigh
 
The absolute sight of your disappearance
door shut, vibrations from the wall rippled
sorrow echoed in your disappointment
I stood strong with my decision yet
tumbling down when you walked away
 because I fear love more than I loved you
 
 
 

I am No One’s Angel

Please remove the halo you’ve placed on my head

I am no one’s angel

Pack your assumptions of first impressions else where

I refuse to be your angel

Pardon my temptations, I’ve forsaken you

 I am the fallen angel

Pleasure my insecurities of truth disguised as beautiful lies

I need you to see my demons, you are my angel

Pause the thoughts of possibilities for I am not ready

I want to be so much more than your angel

Push me off the cliff of your heart

I want to bleed as the fallen angel

Punish me for I’ve done you wrong

I’m sorry I can’t be your angel

Please remove the halo you’ve placed on my head

I am no one’s angel

How Do I Begin?

How do I begin my story

when there are no resolution or conclusions

 I’m still living in this story

I could never understand but it needs to be told

yet I don’t know where to start

start reliving, start feeling, start healing

Start from where?

perhaps

the moment I wanted to end my story

a period on my wrist

but I am not the author to this story

 the universe took my pen and wrote for me

Live Scan For Work

Employers needs to scan your barcode
The label on your fingertips
Whorl, loops, and arch of your identity
Don’t mistake it’s mystery, your not unique
Just a human commodity
So who brought you?

Blood gushed as a rapid river waft

Flowing into green vessels of her throbbing nerves 

 She exhaled a war cry propelling her heart

Pulsating courage and love

 left leg placed in front of the body

Right foot behind facing toward the fire

Left fist clinched the spatchula

Right fist clutched the wok

Tossing rice noodles side to side

 Egg, chicken, fish sauce, vinegar, sugar,

 a little water, green union, bean sprout, and tofu

Crushed peanuts sprinkled the final touch

 Many rounds of orders piled, 12 hrs more

 Before slumber to awake, 

“Ting!” back where she has escaped

 

 

 Thousands of dishes

Chicken satay, Tum yum, Pad Saweew   

fulfilled cravings of assimilated proclaimed authentic

Meshed taste of no originality, yet crowds flock

mouths open with wonders “ So this is Thai food!”

Her Indigenous tongue salivate for the taste

of sweetness without bitterness salty sweat

trickling droplets of tears soaked her body

a warrior  in the battle zone of  “employees only “

rarely ever witnessing the face  

of customers enjoying the flavor of life

she has made for thousands stomachs full

One dish of thousands accumulated

Plane tickets for her family to reunited.

10 years finally eyes meet for the first time

Her children she left behind to find

 Empty eyes and their hearts broken

Mended for they were not abandoned

Found again in her arms

she flew them with her wings

To a new home she called America

She grants her own miracle in the recipe

Ingredients of determination and love

Its not just cooking, it’s the future in the making

“Mae Kau” ( Mother of the Kitchen) she is my hero

Fishing for Stars

I’m flying my kite 

fishing for stars in the lonely night

so bright beyond reach, I know

so bright yet ignites my heart wondering

One day if a star came down

 befriending my heart , would I be blinded?

forgetting the darkness’s light

forgeting my own light

would I ever be that lucky?

a star at the palm of my hands

 I  would cradle with care and  never let go

but would  the starlight leave me

always wishing  hopelessly

 my eyes mirror  a glitter of trillions stars  

reflecting the eternal wonders

sometimes, I forget its just rocks in the sky

What am I reaching for?

when I have my own light

so bright beyond the star’s reach

ever looking down on my wish

tonight I’m flying my kite for the moon in my heart

 brighter than the stars or the sun in the sky

She knows I’m moving out  in a week

six miles  too far away , already she misses me

because  I’m never home, always sneaking in late

avoiding the questions better answered by silence

” I just don’t want to talk about it.”

  she stands in my empty room

her eyes looks down, afraid too see me leave

her heart is calling  to me “Nok gaew caun Mae, Long paeng hai mae fang iek tee”  (“my little bird sing to me again”)

 

He knows I’m moving  out  in a week

Six miles too close, he doesn’t understand why?

nor do I sometimes, doubting the self that was so certain

his eyes guilt my heart an ungrateful daughter

I feel his eyes throw the keys to my cage, locked in

he’s trying to catch my eyes, but  I turn away

afraid he’ll  know  I care

His heart is calling  to me ” Nok gaew caun Pau, Long paeng hai Pau fang iek tee”" (“my little bird sing to me again”)

 

I know I’m moving out in a week

six miles away… is just the begging

this little bird never sang with her heart

she was singing for him and her

she was singing in hope they let her free oneday

   little feathers of memories they keep with  hope

their little bird will return with many more songs

 to rejoice their heart, they open the cage.

Holding Moments

In a distance, I peeked through my viewfinder

the moonlight guided my eyes catching the mist

 falling gracefully onto his arms holding her closer

shielding the cool with his warm chest

her smile was enough to warms his heart.

 

I held no one’s hands only moments

zoomed, a light tap, shutter snapped!

Their moment lives on forever.

 

I pause and glare into their world

Witnessing the cause to global warming

Envious, but hopeful for their warmth would reach me

spare me, the touch of how wonderful it must be

to be hold like that, once again… with genuine sincerity

the hold of “ You complete me.”

 

Strangers they are,  but from afar

I see her and I saw me, I was once that happy

I once wore her pink lipstick smile so bright

Shining as the full moon to this very lonely night

 

I see her and I saw me,

the girl, I never ever wanted to be.

The naïve girl, believing in his charm

sweeped me off my feet with hope

he never promised with words, but his eyes

Swore to me, that I was more than just a friend

The way he held me, the way he kissed me

Without words, I swore he said “I love you”

But now I stand here laughing at the only fool

Holding my camera stalking a couple

I thought I once knew

 

Her smile makes my heart cry

Tears of hope, her hope would come true

For a nonbeliever, as I am, to once again have faith

in a human touch that would grace my heart

the eternal warmth of home

One embrace, without the game or chase

The hug of “ I’m here to stay”

The yielding of bodies holding moments promising

~love not tomorrow but today, here, and now~

Summer vacation means work everyday

 Chang Noi (Little miss mechanic) they called me

You can see my wrinkled eight years old hands

 Holding the flash light for my dad

While he performed his magic touch

To heal the sick car so it can start running

and  I’ll  asked for my fare share he’ll  spare

 5 dollars a day,  it was enough to make me happy

Skipping to wasted it all at the 98 cent store

A sense of power, I spent all my fortune

 Out of luck, I felt it was best to save

 Get a walkman groove to the  melodies, I sing  

while I scrubbed the toilet, dipping my finger tips

 measuring  the water, cooking rice for the hungry

Tummy of grown men I called ” Thie Gin Kau” ( Dad come eat  rice!)

 

Summer vacation means work everyday

Early morning, my mom drives down the 170

Exit Vine and we arrive at  “Siam garden”

My second home, my only playground.

my mother’s Incense swirled the spirits awoken

Nang Quak’s hands ready to pull in the customers

Parading in a festival of rushing orders

You can see my 12 years old veins popped out

As I lift the heavy trays , spilling the hot pot

Boiling soup burned my flesh, yet I forced a smile

“Here is your hot and sour soup!”

I dip my arms in cold water to hear

Frank our dish washer reminded me

“In Mexico, I have three mansion ”

Believe it or not, he was richer then my mother

who is  guilty of breaking child labor laws.

working me over the summer while the sun smile

as I frown sweating to the oven heat.

Unlike other kids I liked school better then summer vacation

 

Summer vacation means work everyday

Four dollars an hour May said  “next month a quarter raise”

I’m annoyed, but whatever it takes to make some green

When you’re limited of work at the age of sixteen.

May thinks I don’t have paper, she thought wrong

Though, I don’t know why I worked there for so long

Getting paid under table, it was better then none.

Her son Andrew ask me “ Are you going to college”

I stayed quite and decided to quit “ Good bye BBQ Express!”

  

Summer vacation means work everyday

I get to work 40 hrs a week, touching strangers all day

Scanning finger tips, getting lost in whorl of galaxies

I’ve worked here for three years, while going to school

Its not hard work, but a lot to remember, I forget

I’m at school for a degree, not just a government employee

The future lay at the palms of my hands,

 yet I’m holding on to comfort in this nice office

Especially,  my  favorite weather channel window

Yesterday, my boss said “we are letting you go”

I’m lost feeling ” where do I go now?

my little hand  has grown used to work

lifting, scrubbing, giving, typing,

now my hands lay resting on my lap

unemployed but  emancipated from  labor

 

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